Sade Marie Green

I wish you were here Sade

Mommies heart will forever be yours!

Not a moment goes by that I don't think of you, that I don't miss you, or that my heart aches at the thought that your not here. At 4:20 AM September 15th 1996 she changed my life forever. She taught me what true love was. The world believes love is just a word and the gift of becoming a parent can be likened to a job but truth be told the gift to bare a child is a gift like no other. As my baby rest in God's loving memory I grieve every day. I try to live my life strong and I work hard I remain humble, I help everyone I can, I'm not bitter or angry, I'm sad but mostly I feel so empty.

My life wasn't supposed to be like this. Sometimes I want to scream I want answers but honestly no answer is suffice. If I close my eyes I can still see her! I knew everything about her down to every beauty mark. She was amazing and funny. She was strong and loving. Many people say they could never do what I did, I wasn't perfect matter of fact sometimes I was so overwhelmed only because I couldn't fix it, I couldn't undue doctors mistakes, I couldn't fix her brain or the scoliosis she developed, I couldn't breath for her when her lungs were weak Lord knows if I could, dear God I would hand over my life for one second to have been privileged to hear one I love you. Yes I knew she loved me, she showed me every day for 15 years 3 months and 4 days, but to hear it would be so beautiful. I miss her so bad she would've been 18 today my baby would've been an adult today and yet forever my little baby my diggy. I wish I could kiss her hold her, let her know how much I need her, she is my definition, she gave me my strength gifted me my heart and It wasn't hard at all, loving her, taking care of her was easy because it gave me life, I miss her every moment. No matter what My face pretends for the moment, I am broken into a billion pieces. I am not who I was before December of 2011. I love my baby so much she became my identity sometimes I forget who I am without her. A pain and loss so cruel numbs your heart almost to the point where you don't want to feel, you block the world out because your truest experience with love is no longer present. The world moves on and only remembers your tragedy on days when you reveal that your scars are still wide open. Everybody calls for favors and they swear they care but never once have I been asked how am I coping today.

See its a lie what people tell you, they say it gets better with time that's the biggest lie I've ever heard because everyday that I cant kiss her and every time I'm reminded that she's gone the pain is worse. I live empty and broken, trying to save people and shop for things I don't need only to attempt to disguise the exhausting work of pretending I'm not broken. To be honest I stopped functioning at full capacity when The doctor said they couldn't bring her back, I knew that she was gone the minute I walked up the stairs to check on her and give her, her late night kisses. My heart has never been the same. A mother should never have to feel the loss I felt, the pain is similar to nothing. I wasn't a perfect mom no one is but I loved her with everything I had, i'm not sure if my heart will ever recover. Until the moment Jehovah God allows me to hold her again I am not sure my life will ever be the same. I always wonder how I survived that day, how is it possible that I've lost so much been let down disappointed and abandoned by so many people and I still give all of what's left. As I said in the beginning she taught me the definition of true love and appreciation. I hope to one day be able to say I was even a quarter of the amazing she was! If I could attempt to imitate someone so beautiful it would be an honor, she gave me honor, she defined me, she gave me character, she taught me strength, she helped me master resiliency, she made and molded me. For her life alongside me I am undeserving and yet so grateful that I was blessed to be the mother of Sade Marie Green

Born September 15th 1996 at 4:20 am 6 pounds 7 ounces 19 inches long. Beautiful black hair, eyelashes any model would pay for. A beauty you cant duplicate! My life my heart my air My only child My princess my blessing my Everything.. Until we meet again I will live because she taught me the value of living!

LOVE MOMMY